I can't remember if it was yesterday or the day before. I had a nightmare and I was quite affected by it. 

The dream took place in a classroom where everyone was seated down. I was near to the side of the door. The teacher was giving out our artwork. The artwork was graded and she gave them out one by one from the highest to the lowest marks. Almost everyone got it back, except me and a few people. When it came to my turn, she said that I got a D-. She added that my work wasn't exactly that bad. But just that, as compared to my classmates, my work is not as good. 

When that scene happened, I felt a really familiar feeling. It's a bit of shame, unfairness and deep sadness. I had never felt that for a looonnnnngggg time. Maybe it was the same feeling I felt when I got my O level results, my JC posting or when I realise I couldn't do my Honors degree after taking one special semester to pull up my grades. 

I used to let my worth be determined by my grades and academic achievement. Even now, perhaps sometimes unknowingly, I allow my worth to be determined by my work. 

But that is terrible. I'm not an "intelligent" student. I know it because many times I studied really hard and I don't see the results. I got upset with myself and felt like giving up so many times. I told myself it must be my studying methods that were wrong. But how do I correct my studying methods? I felt really helpless, alone and no one whom I can turn to for help. I'm willing to work hard but who can help me? So, I just work hard "blindly" and hope for the best.

That's why I feel so much for students who don't do well. I tell them, "Don't worry, Ms Phoebe is always here for you. We will work it out together." The more I think about it, the more I feel that being a teacher is about journeying together with the students. Students need more than instructions given to them. They need mentors and the assurance that there will always be someone there for them. Even if they take the bet to study hard for once, they want to know that their effort are not wasted. 

I am very grateful for this privilege. I truly believe the ability to believe in people and to help people is a gift. So is loving someone. I guess that's because you can never do those things if you had not experience them continuously. So, open your heart to be loved and allow yourself to experience faith.

But still, it's really strange to have that dream. Hmmmm....